Good, Clean Jokes

Miragedriver

Miragedriver

Brigadier
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a woman from Ireland . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from China . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Russia . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.:eek:


Back to bottling my Grenache
 
Miragedriver

Miragedriver

Brigadier
The Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her
body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."


The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."


The Aussie fellow said: "That's nothing!!! Last night I massaged my
wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and then I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours? Voila ! Sacre Bleu !! Phenomenal!!!

How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Aussie: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."



Back to bottling my Grenache
 
Miragedriver

Miragedriver

Brigadier
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"


Back to bottling my Grenache
 
Miragedriver

Miragedriver

Brigadier
Argentine Army with budget problems:

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier said, “Does it bother anyone else that the Ministry of Defense doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”


Back to bottling my Grenache
 
Miragedriver

Miragedriver

Brigadier
When a man and a wife who have been married for many years head into the park near their home on a walk, they decide to sit down for a break. They notice a couple sitting a few benches over kissing very passionately. The wife watches for a moment before she turns to her husband and says, “Honey? Why don’t you do that?” The husband replies, “Honey, I don’t even know that woman!”


Back to bottling my Grenache
 
Miragedriver

Miragedriver

Brigadier
A man is driving down the road with a bunch of penguins in the back seat of his car. The police stop him and tell the man that he cannot drive down the road with that many penguins in his car, it’s illegal. They inform him that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo right away. He is pulled over again the following day by the same police officer when the officer notices all the penguins still in the man’s car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” to which the man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

Back to bottling my Grenache
 
Miragedriver

Miragedriver

Brigadier
A friend from of mine that lives in Florida sent me this joke today. I guess that blonde ladies are a little thick in the skull.

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"


Back to bottling my Grenache
 
Miragedriver

Miragedriver

Brigadier
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.

The 2 Frenchmen and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule and alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman talks continuously about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men, after apologizing profusely to each other, have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-South side and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey.

But at least they know the English aren't getting any...!!!
 
Equation

Equation

Lieutenant General
Miragedriver said:
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.

The 2 Frenchmen and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule and alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman talks continuously about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men, after apologizing profusely to each other, have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-South side and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey.

But at least they know the English aren't getting any...!!!
Click to expand...

I like the Germans way better than the rest...LOL. Taking turns is better than no turn at all.:p:D
 
Broccoli

Broccoli

Senior Member
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