Good, Clean Jokes

What do you get if you play a country music record backwards?





You get your wife back;
You get your dog back;
You get your house back;
You get your truck back...

Blackstone, there is a second part of that Joke.
"What do you get when you throw a Country Music Album out the window?"

"Good Taste!"

(T-T)

AN OLD SEA DOG:

An old sailor walks into a bar and trailing behind him is an old, mangy dog who promptly curls up in a corner and goes to sleep as the guy is steps up to the bar.

The bartender comes over and says: "Sorry, fella, but no dogs are allowed in here, you'll have to put him outside."


The old sailor says: "Aw come on, he's an old dog, it's cold out there and he's not going to do anything but sleep in that corner. I tell you what. If he can do a trick you really like will you let him stay?"

The bartender says: "That old mangy mutt do a trick? Now that's something I would like to see."

The sailor walks over to the dog and says: "Gus: Navy beat Army".

Well, that old dog's ears immediately prick straight up, he jumps up on the bar, and then does thirteen back flips. While he is doing so the old dog barks out Anchors Aweigh in tune. The old dog then jumps off the bar, walks back over to the corner and promptly goes back to sleep.

The bartender says: "WOW! That is really something. He can stay. But what does he do when Army beats Navy?"

The sailor replies:

"How should I know - He's only thirteen years old !"

How do you tell a extrovert accountant from an introvert accountant?
An introvert accountant will look at his own shoes when he talks to you.
An extrovert accountant will look at your shoes.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were on a ship for a long journey. Each had their own cabin. One night all three of then awoke to find their curtains were on fire.

The engineer immediately poured out the content of the rubbish bin and filled it with water from the toilet and poured the content on to the curtain. The fire was extinguished and he went back to bed.

The physics sat down and with a pen and paper worked out the minimum amount of water required to extinguish the fire. Then he took a measuring glass from his briefcase and poured the exact amount of water on to the curtain, just enough to extinguish the flames, and then went back to bed.

The mathematician looked at the flaming curtain and stood for a while in a deep thought. Then he smiled and said: "a solution to this problem exists,"...and he went back to bed.

Ok, it is time to bring back good clean jokes:

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."


Back to bottling my Grenache

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."


Back to bottling my Grenache

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"


Back to bottling my Grenache

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



Back to bottling my Grenache

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"


Back to bottling my Grenache