Funny Stuff Thread.... to loosen your day
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broadsword
Brigadier
Worrying about your safety? *This might help. Have a great day!
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I love compassionate Christian Seniors..
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A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: *'Stop! *Acts 2:38!' *(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Axe and Two 38's!'
***********************************************************************
I love compassionate Christian Seniors..
--------------------------------------------------
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: *'Stop! *Acts 2:38!' *(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar:
'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Axe and Two 38's!'
airsuperiority
Captain
I can watch this forever
airsuperiority
Captain
Darwin Award nominees
broadsword
Brigadier
An elderly man on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at traffic lights.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car you got there sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO, it can do up to 320 miles an hour," he said proudly.
"Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "Nice car, but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes and doctor floors it to 160mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror getting closer. He slows down and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH something flies past him. He speeds up to see what it is and up ahead of him, he sees the old man.
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him. He takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320mph.
Again, he sees the Moped bearing down on him. The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he and do! Suddenly, the Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari.
Unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my braces from your side view mirror!"
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car you got there sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO, it can do up to 320 miles an hour," he said proudly.
"Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "Nice car, but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes and doctor floors it to 160mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror getting closer. He slows down and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH something flies past him. He speeds up to see what it is and up ahead of him, he sees the old man.
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275mph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him. He takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320mph.
Again, he sees the Moped bearing down on him. The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he and do! Suddenly, the Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari.
Unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my braces from your side view mirror!"
broadsword
Brigadier
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broadsword
Brigadier
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES
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Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of
a real one.
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
Charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. Was elbows!
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Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of
a real one.
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
Charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. Was elbows!
broadsword
Brigadier
Give the boy a PhD
Wow this is classic............
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having
trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My
sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's
office. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test:
Principal: "What is 3x3?"
Boy: "9"
Principal: "What is 6x6?"
Boy: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought
a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think the boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own
questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?
Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?"
Boy: "Pockets"!
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Boy quickly answered..
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The Principal's eyes again
open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay?"
Boy: "Yep"
Ms Neelam: "You stick Your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up.. I get wet before you do."
Boy: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one
large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Boy: "Nose"
Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I
come with a quiver."
Boy: "Arrow"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means lot of heat and excitement?"
Boy: "Firetruck"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
& if u don't get it u have to use your hand"
Boy: "Fork"
Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have. It's longer
for some men than on others. The nuns dont need it. The pope doesn't
use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"
Boy: "SURNAME"
Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has
muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making
love?"
Boy: "HEART"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the
teacher:
"Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten
questions wrong myself!"
Wow this is classic............
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having
trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My
sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the Principal's
office. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test:
Principal: "What is 3x3?"
Boy: "9"
Principal: "What is 6x6?"
Boy: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought
a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells
her, "I think the boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own
questions. Can I ask him?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks: "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?
Boy, after a moment: "Legs"!
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?"
Boy: "Pockets"!
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: Coconut
Ms Neelam: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out
soft and sticky?" The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Boy quickly answered..
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The Principal's eyes again
open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay?"
Boy: "Yep"
Ms Neelam: "You stick Your poles inside me. You tie me
down to get me up.. I get wet before you do."
Boy: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one
large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: "Wedding Ring"
Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Boy: "Nose"
Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I
come with a quiver."
Boy: "Arrow"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means lot of heat and excitement?"
Boy: "Firetruck"
Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K'
& if u don't get it u have to use your hand"
Boy: "Fork"
Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have. It's longer
for some men than on others. The nuns dont need it. The pope doesn't
use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?"
Boy: "SURNAME"
Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has
muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making
love?"
Boy: "HEART"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the
teacher:
"Send this Boy to University, I got the last ten
questions wrong myself!"
In4ser
Junior Member
Oops! One of the few professions you don't want to see the teacher give a live class demo. 
I feel kinda bad people died...then again they're terrorists.
Suicide Bomb Instructor Accidentally Kills Iraqi Pupils
By DURAID ADNANFEB. 10, 2014
BAGHDAD — A group of Sunni militants attending a suicide bombing training class at a camp north of Baghdad were killed on Monday when their commander unwittingly conducted a demonstration with a belt that was packed with explosives, army and police officials said.
The militants belonged to a group known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS, which is fighting the Shiite-dominated army of the Iraqi government, mostly in Anbar Province. But they are also linked to bomb attacks elsewhere and other fighting that has thrown Iraq deeper into sectarian violence.
Twenty-two ISIS members were killed, and 15 were wounded, in the explosion at the camp, which is in a farming area in the northeastern province of Samara, according to the police and army officials. Stores of other explosive devices and heavy weapons were also kept there, the officials said.
Eight militants were arrested when they tried to escape, the officials said.
The militant who was conducting the training was not identified by name, but he was described by an Iraqi Army officer as a prolific recruiter who was “able to kill the bad guys for once.”
ISIS militants drove into Falluja and the nearby city of Ramadi, both in Anbar Province, earlier this year with heavy weaponry, taking control of key intersections and offices of local authorities.
Local security forces and tribes have since re-established control in Ramadi.
But Iraq is developing a plan, with help from the United States, that would have Sunni tribes take the lead in ending the standoff with ISIS in Falluja, with the Iraqi Army in support, a senior State Department official told Congress last week.
The official, Brett McGurk, said that ISIS had about 2,000 fighters in Iraq, and that its longer-term objective is to establish a base of operations in Baghdad, led by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who has been officially designated as a global terrorist by the State Department.
In other violence in Iraq, a roadside bomb detonated in the northern city of Mosul alongside the convoy of the speaker of Parliament, the Sunni leader Osama al-Nujaifi, security officials said. Six of his guards were wounded, but Mr. Nujaifi was unharmed, they said.
In Baghdad, a doctor was found dead with bullet wounds in his head and chest two days after he was kidnapped from his house, medical officials said.
In the Baya district of southwestern Baghdad, a bomb left near a cafe killed four people and wounded 11, according to a police official.
Christine Hauser contributed from New York City.
Source:
I feel kinda bad people died...then again they're terrorists. Suicide Bomb Instructor Accidentally Kills Iraqi Pupils
By DURAID ADNANFEB. 10, 2014
BAGHDAD — A group of Sunni militants attending a suicide bombing training class at a camp north of Baghdad were killed on Monday when their commander unwittingly conducted a demonstration with a belt that was packed with explosives, army and police officials said.
The militants belonged to a group known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS, which is fighting the Shiite-dominated army of the Iraqi government, mostly in Anbar Province. But they are also linked to bomb attacks elsewhere and other fighting that has thrown Iraq deeper into sectarian violence.
Twenty-two ISIS members were killed, and 15 were wounded, in the explosion at the camp, which is in a farming area in the northeastern province of Samara, according to the police and army officials. Stores of other explosive devices and heavy weapons were also kept there, the officials said.
Eight militants were arrested when they tried to escape, the officials said.
The militant who was conducting the training was not identified by name, but he was described by an Iraqi Army officer as a prolific recruiter who was “able to kill the bad guys for once.”
ISIS militants drove into Falluja and the nearby city of Ramadi, both in Anbar Province, earlier this year with heavy weaponry, taking control of key intersections and offices of local authorities.
Local security forces and tribes have since re-established control in Ramadi.
But Iraq is developing a plan, with help from the United States, that would have Sunni tribes take the lead in ending the standoff with ISIS in Falluja, with the Iraqi Army in support, a senior State Department official told Congress last week.
The official, Brett McGurk, said that ISIS had about 2,000 fighters in Iraq, and that its longer-term objective is to establish a base of operations in Baghdad, led by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who has been officially designated as a global terrorist by the State Department.
In other violence in Iraq, a roadside bomb detonated in the northern city of Mosul alongside the convoy of the speaker of Parliament, the Sunni leader Osama al-Nujaifi, security officials said. Six of his guards were wounded, but Mr. Nujaifi was unharmed, they said.
In Baghdad, a doctor was found dead with bullet wounds in his head and chest two days after he was kidnapped from his house, medical officials said.
In the Baya district of southwestern Baghdad, a bomb left near a cafe killed four people and wounded 11, according to a police official.
Christine Hauser contributed from New York City.
Source:
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