Funny Stuff Thread.... to loosen your day
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broadsword
Brigadier
Sex After Death...
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was
no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times..
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was
no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times..
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
airsuperiority
Captain
Oops! One of the few professions you don't want to see the teacher give a live class demo.I feel kinda bad people died...then again they're terrorists.
Suicide Bomb Instructor Accidentally Kills Iraqi Pupils
By DURAID ADNANFEB. 10, 2014
BAGHDAD — A group of Sunni militants attending a suicide bombing training class at a camp north of Baghdad were killed on Monday when their commander unwittingly conducted a demonstration with a belt that was packed with explosives, army and police officials said.
The militants belonged to a group known as the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, or ISIS, which is fighting the Shiite-dominated army of the Iraqi government, mostly in Anbar Province. But they are also linked to bomb attacks elsewhere and other fighting that has thrown Iraq deeper into sectarian violence.
Twenty-two ISIS members were killed, and 15 were wounded, in the explosion at the camp, which is in a farming area in the northeastern province of Samara, according to the police and army officials. Stores of other explosive devices and heavy weapons were also kept there, the officials said.
Eight militants were arrested when they tried to escape, the officials said.
The militant who was conducting the training was not identified by name, but he was described by an Iraqi Army officer as a prolific recruiter who was “able to kill the bad guys for once.”
ISIS militants drove into Falluja and the nearby city of Ramadi, both in Anbar Province, earlier this year with heavy weaponry, taking control of key intersections and offices of local authorities.
Local security forces and tribes have since re-established control in Ramadi.
But Iraq is developing a plan, with help from the United States, that would have Sunni tribes take the lead in ending the standoff with ISIS in Falluja, with the Iraqi Army in support, a senior State Department official told Congress last week.
The official, Brett McGurk, said that ISIS had about 2,000 fighters in Iraq, and that its longer-term objective is to establish a base of operations in Baghdad, led by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who has been officially designated as a global terrorist by the State Department.
In other violence in Iraq, a roadside bomb detonated in the northern city of Mosul alongside the convoy of the speaker of Parliament, the Sunni leader Osama al-Nujaifi, security officials said. Six of his guards were wounded, but Mr. Nujaifi was unharmed, they said.
In Baghdad, a doctor was found dead with bullet wounds in his head and chest two days after he was kidnapped from his house, medical officials said.
In the Baya district of southwestern Baghdad, a bomb left near a cafe killed four people and wounded 11, according to a police official.
Christine Hauser contributed from New York City.
Source:
No more take home lab assignments
broadsword
Brigadier
The Pick Up Line
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and
sit down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing
her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the
British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'?
The woman looks at him blankly
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the
Air France motto
'Winning the hearts of the world'?
Again she just stares at him with a
slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time
saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'?
The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the f..k do you want?'
'Aha!' he says, " you are with Qantas".
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and
sit down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing
her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the
British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'?
The woman looks at him blankly
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the
Air France motto
'Winning the hearts of the world'?
Again she just stares at him with a
slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time
saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'?
The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the f..k do you want?'
'Aha!' he says, " you are with Qantas".
broadsword
Brigadier
Maxine Has Questions...
'
Hello -- I have questions!
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use: Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)
~
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like..........night!!!!
'
Hello -- I have questions!
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use: Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)
~
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like..........night!!!!
What is the background story to this joke?
broadsword
Brigadier
I dunno. A co-worker emailed to me, so I "forwarded" here. Definitely nothing to do with MH370.
Miragedriver
Brigadier
Some Socialist/Christina jokes from Argentina, I think they translated well:
Question: “When the final phase of socialism is implemented, will there still be thefts and pilfering?”
Answer: “No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism.”
Question: “What is the most permanent feature of our socialist economy?”
Answer: “Temporary shortages.”
Question: “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and Argentina?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”
Answer: “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”
Question: “What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?”
Answer: “Capitalist trade means everything is to be sold. Socialist trade means everything is to be bought.”
Question: “When the final phase of socialism is implemented, will there still be thefts and pilfering?”
Answer: “No, because everything will be already pilfered during socialism.”
Question: “What is the most permanent feature of our socialist economy?”
Answer: “Temporary shortages.”
Question: “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and Argentina?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”
Answer: “Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”
Question: “What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?”
Answer: “Capitalist trade means everything is to be sold. Socialist trade means everything is to be bought.”
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